We Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Program

Neil, I discovered your blog via — yes, your brother (what’s his name again?). I found humor and negativity. I really enjoy reading your stuff. Now POST AGAIN, dammit! Lack of web access is NO EXCUSE in NYC.

when are you going to update? huh? huh? huh? hope NY is good to you and you find a great job soon, one that is fulfilling and the whole shebang.

so whenever you check back in it would be great if you visit my blog, i wrote a post about you, it isn’t earths hattering, and it probably won’t answer any questions about the randomness of life and love, but hopefully it would make you smile.

http://www.psychedelicmindtrip.wordpress.com

Neil, I cannot get enough of your posts! I just discovered your website an hour ago and I have read everything on it. True, I only stumbled onto it via your connection with your oh-so-newly-famous-brother’s fan blogs (love him too), but after reading a few of your brilliant depictions of life in general, I am hooked on you! I will definitely be checking Negative Neil daily, so please keep it coming. I too view life through negative sarcasm, it is what keeps me going! I loooove you Neil!!! I am glad you quit your dead-end job, because you have a brilliant future in writing. Best of luck to you Neil. Hope to read more soon.

Neil? It’s me, Leah

Hi, have you unpacked your stuff YET? Want some help? I was just wondering…. about the Leather Pants, could you just try them on, just once, see how they feel? SHOW ME SOME LOVE NEIL…

Watch out, Neil. I think Leah works for PETA.

That’s great that you’re moving to the right coast. We LOVE negative hilarity and quirky takes on life. I have no idea where you’ll be living but remember: the Village is always where you should either start out or end up – I am talking about your evenings but I guess that could also be a life lesson. Last week, I went to a fabulous little unpretentious restaurant called The Village at 62 West 9th Street. It’s a French Bistro that transports you back to old New York – perfect for a new New Yorker!

I think you and NYC are going to fall permanently in love. Did you say you’ll be TEACHING? OMG. In what area of NYC will you teach? I like your blog.

BTW. The Tonys. I would love to know what you thought of that shiteous production. On another forum I frequent, a poster said they ought to post the Sound Engineer’s picture on “In Memoriam.”

Hey Neil…do we need to file a missing persons report soon??? Where or where are you? Did you walk from Cali to NY? Come on babe…give us something. We miss you!

Neil,

You were just supposed to bring your own bottle of scotch with you, not drink it on your roadtrip from Cali to NY resulting in what I can only assume is some ill-fated, inebriated-induced diversion in an Iowa corn field where high-speed connection takes on an entirely different and confused meaning. Where the fuck are you?!

Dear Neil,

OK, I have written twice. both flippant. Now I am writing because like other people I am wondering if you are ok. I don’t know you but I care about you, for some strange reason. So, hopefully you are ok and just getting acclimated moving in. I am sending good thoughts your way. I hope you post something soon so we can all relax. Take good care. KK

K.
June 2nd, 2009 on 10:20 pm
Wish I had found this place earlier, when it was quiet. Now the whole crowd (well, most of it) it desperately trying to stand above the others and draw your attention and even invite you to stay at their homes. Jesus!

@K: Word. Why would you invite someone you’ve never even met into your home? Think about it, people. If some random strangers started sending you invites to their houses and phone numbers via the internet, I’m almost positive your first thoughts are not going to be “Hell yes! Let me get my phone and call Random Stranger and hop into my car and just drive right on over to their house! Perhaps they’ll eat my liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti!”

Wow, that was rude. Neil, good luck. With, ya know, everything.

Oh, Neil. You are effing hilarious. I have not read the soul crushing pain of existence put so eloquently since Carson McCuller’s “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.”
I have heard from a very wise man (probably on tv or via the Interweb, because that is my only education) that “If one is not bitter, one is not paying attention.”
I, too, have a brother that is far more successful than I. Ah, shadow-life. Let’s face it. Trying is hard.
So thank you, Negative Sir, for your input that makes me laugh uncontrollably.
Cass

Hope you didn’t fall in somewhere. Please write!

Your wit always entertains me. Also, I think it’s awesome you’re moving to NY! I love visiting there.

Hi NEIL, It’s me LEAH… again,
enough is enough, just wear the flippin pants okay…do a girl a favour…please, please me!

Come on Neil!!!! We Need a new post!!!! Jeez, I’ve been hyperventalating at my computer desk for about a week waiting for a new one!!! Love ya!

Hey Neil. You’re not exactly the bees’ knees, a bit overrated I say..and man, all these Adam fangirls worshipping you..I’ve never been really sure about fangirlism. It takes an evaporation of the ego, which is too easy. Steer clear of those.

Neil, I am having withdrawals! Where are you? At least post a quick sentence telling us you are alive and okay, just busy or something…… but don’t leave us for a whole week with nothing! We long for your philosophical wisdom.

I have something for you to post in your “rant” section. As me and my 2 little girls were grocery shopping today and in a major hurry because we had to get to dance lessons, we approach the register to pay, but out of 30 f***ing registers, only 2 actually had the light on and were open! Is it just me, or does this piss off other people too?!! We stood in line for at least 20 minutes. Ruined my whole f***ing day!

Hey Neil, everyone is wondering where you are, so I will let them in on the mystery.

He is here with me in Sunny Toledo OH! He felt that it would be much less exciting than NYC and therefore would lead to increased frustration and negativity. He would have scads more to write about (and much more time to do it, since there really is nothing to do out here).

Oh, who am I kidding? He would never want to come to Toledo OH. No one ever does!

Come back soon Neil.

Hey Leah, you have to stop pushing the leather pants. Those things are not “breathable” for male parts, there is no air flow and could lead to serious crotch rot. And said “male parts” could fall off!

Neil you’re the bestest! Please write another post…. we’re dying here!! : ) Just another talented Lambert, you are. Luffs ya!

Welcome to the East Coast, Neil. I’m from Jersey (right outside NYC)… but try not to hold it against me. To be honest if I didn’t know you were from California, reading your blog I might guess you were a native New Yorker. It’s that caustic wit.

In any case, I really enjoy your political commentary, so if you take requests- there you have mine.

Oh, also: someone on ONTD (I’m addicted to it) mentioned you read the post about you, and thought those who criticized you had a point- just wanted to tell you- I’d probably have said worse if it had been my brother, and I think most people realize you didn’t know your comments would reach so many people.

Hurry up and get to New York! I can only imagine how funny your posts would be with our current scandal and happenings in our state government!

Hey whatever happened to ‘going to New York and finding a better job’ ?

Neil? It’s me Leah,
Hey, long time no see buddy! Looks like everyone wants to see you write some more stuff… they are really starting to hound ya Neil….So ya, i won’t bug you about that…Geez, what’s wrong with some people eh? Give a dude a break! (Cinderella, Cinderella all I hear is Cinderella)
So anyhoo,I thought I might take this opportunity to say NEIL, Please Wear Black Leather Pants. Gotta go NEIL. Chat with you soon. Luv ya.

@Angelrealm
To sum up: Use discretion when wearing leather pants especially if you are a man and fond of your parts. Or if you’re fond of someone else’s male parts, please pass this advisory along.

Dude,
You can’t start a blog, get us all warm & fuzzy about you and then drop off the face of the earth. Not fair. Sure, you’re random. But so are we. THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT. so please, how the hell do you feel about heat-loving perennials?

NEIL, It’s me LEAH…
Angelrealm is a little concerned about your “parts” ….so could you wear breathable Black Leather Pants…there, now all is GOOD.
Gotta go Neil…but I’ll be back

Neil: we need a new entry from you! need a laugh and a new perspective of the day… I keep checking in to read a new entry, but sadly, not yet…
Come on! write!!!!

I think leather, being a natural material, is actually breathable…its those faux leather pants you must watch out for

Otter? It’s me Leah…
Sooooo…. YOU won’t mind wearing Leather Pants?

I’m having some technical problems with your site. Did you purposely shut off access to comments for your three most recent posts? By the way, those posts really highlight your strengths as a writer and reflected a more liberated gait. Byproduct of the move? I’m looking forward to seeing the next evolutions:-)

Best of luck on the move. You are going to keep this blog going aren’t you?

@Angelrealm
I wouldn’t worry too much about Neil getting crotch-rot. I don’t think Leah actually wants him to wear the leather pants for more than say 20 seconds before she rips them off.

Hi Neil! So nice to have you back, but when I tried to comment on the 3 new blogs you have written, it says that comments are closed. Apparently I am not the only one with this problem as I see Kristen, a few posts ahead of me, cannot comment either. I see that 1 person left a comment on the most recent one, but it will not let me leave one, so not sure how she did it.

I will check back to tomorrow since you are staying home all day to play with your Macbook and see if you have fixed it. Will comment then. Glad you got to New York safely! Also, can’t wait to see you on 20/20 tomorrow night. Make sure you use Adam’s fame to pimp out Negative Neil on 20/20 (you know he would do the same…..being the attention whore that he is)! Rest assured Neil that even though your fanbase increased from 20 to 10,000 via Adam, everyone is staying because of you, not him. You are an awesome writer and soooooo cute too! We just loooooove you Neil!

I’m thinking maybe Neil closed comments on his new posts because he’s gotten 236 of them on this one alone…just sayin’. Good luck in NYC, Neil. I thought about moving to NYC when I was single and in my 20s and never did and it’s one thing I’ve regretted…have a shitload of fun. I’m sure you will have no problem getting laid or doing anything else, for that matter, famous brother or not. And don’t ever stop writing, you’re hilarious!

Wait you are a teacher like a teacher teacher, seriously I could not picture you doing that. No offence but you do not seem like you would have the patients. So what grade are you teaching anyway?

This is so damn random but yesterday I was watching T.V. and reading your blog and the T.V. show was playing so slow so I closed the blog because I thought it would play faster but it did not it started playing slower I was like what the hell.

@TracEy

I think people who watch O’Reilly because he’s a steady voice of reason are fucking morons.

I think people who watch O’Reilly because he’s a hilarious self-important blowhard are observant.

I think people who refuse to watch O’Reilly because he’s an asshole/republican/sexist are no fun.

That said, it’s hard to sit through a whole show.