Archive for December, 2009

Now that we’ve completed our signs, it’s time to put them to good use. If done properly, there should be a natural strengthening of trust between you and your targets once you’re able to compare signs and ideas in person. Once you feel that your fake opinions seem to hold real merit in the conservative eye, follow these guidelines to brew a healthy self-doubt in even the most ardent Tea Partier:

1. DO take care in disconnecting your personal demeanor from the hateful bile displayed on your sign. Act polite and courteous towards everyone (because, hey, they’re just like us! We’re 99% white, working class Americans and the other 1% wishes they were.) As soon as the purpose for your protesting enters conversation, however, immediately embark on a frenzied rant. Be sure to hit all the trademarks along the way: paranoid delusion, xenophobia, and flagrant misunderstanding of policy are a great start. Upon winding down, be sure to reapply an affable smile and take a breath. After all, you just completed a Two Minutes’ Hate in thirty seconds and it should definitely be four times as tiring (and terrifying) to anyone but your ideological peers. If done correctly, your schizophrenic tirade should have them wondering how such an obviously unstable citizen could appear so… familiar.

2. DO be on the lookout for the inevitable outsider. That bleeding-heart sonofabitch that will eventually accost you with a camcorder and hammer you with questions. He or she could be any of the 9 people at the protest under the age of 35! These guys tend to blend in and fool you with signs that satisfy your worldview. Perhaps an Acrostic or two, maybe even a “Stupid Concept”. However, within a few minutes of talking to them, you might find that they ask clarifying questions that require you to re-examine your (misguided) ideals. If your suspicions are aroused, raise an eyebrow! Be sure to ask, “who are you with?” All interlopers at Tea Parties are naturally part of a vast liberal conspiracy to paint you as the crazy one. Can’t we just shill for the insurance companies and compare liberal policies to Hitler’s in peace? Besides, if you do meet an obvious liberal at one of these rallies then they aren’t making any effort to subvert the rally and thus should be removed by any means necessary. The easiest method is to simply point at the outsider and say a word that your fellow protestors hate or fear. The most effective seems to be either “CNN” or “ACORN. WE’VE GOT ACORN OVER HERE.” This should strengthen your alter ego’s right-wing cred and further captivate the masses.

3. DON’T, under any circumstances, Google definitions for any of the terms with which conservatives casually brand Obama. As far as you are concerned, anything ending in an –ism (except capitalism!) is evil, and all evils are created equal. If curiosity truly gets the best of you, go to town on “socialism”. Look up every definition you want so that you might seem educated in the eyes of your peers when you rant at each other about Obama’s passion for volunteerism and community service. Avoid researching fascism, though, because it’s hard not to feel like an idiot while calling someone a socialist fascist once you actually know that the two terms are mutually exclusive. If you make the mistake of learning even a single thing about these completely opposite ideologies, an onlooker might spot the telltale stifled cringe on your face and start yelling about ACORN. Be careful!

4. DO casually mention the Tea Party corporate sponsors and/or corporate healthcare insurance benefactors whose agenda you are supporting. Be especially mindful of this if you are also carrying a Don’t Tread On Me flag. Tea Partiers are a strange bunch and while corporations have been treading on individual’s rights for decades, it’s important to remember that they provide valuable services such as price gouging and monopoly that Tea Partiers simply adore. It’s probably best for you to ignore the Left’s support of labor and simply concentrate on how tragic the weakening of corporate America would be.  The collapse of Cigna or Blue Shield might force you to actually support the free market that you pretend to care about.

5. DON’T wonder aloud why no one complained about spending 5 years ago. Remember: during the previous administration’s consecutive years of record-breaking spending, we were fighting brown people on the other side of the world. Now we’re fighting a brown person on the other side of the aisle. It’s a completely different thing! If this rule’s tough for you, make sure to avoid any of the healthcare protestors with signs that are against spending taxes on abortion. Naturally, taxes to kill innocent children are only acceptable if they aren’t American citizens. It’s simple: any mention of Bush paints a giant scarlet L on your chest. It doesn’t matter if you’re pretending to honor the man, no one can ignore the smell of bullshit that strong.

6. Finally, DO make sure to ask as many people questions about their favorite President. 95% will tell you Reagan because even they can’t stomach Bush’s abysmal failure. Upon hearing this, scoff. Let them know that as a true conservative, you cannot support any Republican President who appointed a czar in his administration. Remind them that the last true conservative President was Hoover, immediately pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and walk away with your head held high. Bonus points if your target says, “Hoover?”

By wielding your ironic sign and following these strict guidelines, anyone can be a productive member of the Tea Party Contradiction Corps. Unfortunately these were lessons learned in hindsight. During my actual foray into the Tea Party I managed to violate almost all of these rules and permanently blow my cover. Stay tuned for the conclusion of Crashing the Party!