Archive for May, 2009
We Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Program
May 28th
Ah, the blissful regularity of life has returned. No more flying at 9am and returning at midnight. No more must I tremble with rage during commercial breaks on set while “Corey” riles up the crowd with stale jokes and horrible delivery.
Yes, regularity is what I’ve needed and I’ve been eating a bunch of Santa Cruz fiber. After all the craziness of Idol I really needed time with friends and– OH FUCK I’M MOVING!
Well, this week is progressing way too quickly. I have exactly 7 days before I move and I’ve literally done nothing except make a To-Do list that I have no intention of adhering to. Yesterday I walked along the beach and got all sentimental instead of packing. Today I woke up in a haze and made invites for my going-away party. I rock climb in an hour and have dinner with an old friend.
It just doesn’t feel as if I’m leaving. It’s strange: I’ve spent months in anticipation for this big life changing event and now that it is soon to occur I’m defiant.
On the plus side, I can finally begin to do stuff again. I don’t have a job to sap my creativity and I do have plenty to talk about in the coming weeks. I’m very excited about teaching again and being around kids. They’re fun and weird, fearless and uncensored. Which is approximately what I am except for the fearlessness part.
So officially, welcome back to Negative Neil.
How (Not) to Get Laid When Your Brother is a National Celebrity
May 28th
Let’s face it: Lambert’s a household name. Yes yes, I know that everyone has seen Highlander and thus Christopher Lambert is already a household name, but I don’t want to be related to an immortal. Besides, I am already related to a glittery alien from planet Fierce.
So millions of women across the globe would attack him with their vaginas if given the chance. The question is, how do I harness this power to satiate my carnal urges?! For starters, I could start by never saying “carnal urges” to any woman ever. How about these, then?
“Baby, this is as much Lambert as you’re gonna get. Care to settle?”
“…thing is, we both do incredible things with our mouths…”
“8pm, Fox. 11pm, Cock. See… because they’re both animals! No? You’re leaving aren’t you.”
“This was a really tough decision. Both of you are incredibly talented, but… Tiffany, you’re going onto the next round!”
“Oh, yea, my brother is Adam Lambert. It’s cool I guess… I dunno. I don’t really watch him. I’ve got my own shit going on, y’know? Like, it’s cool that he can sing and everything, but does he own a website? No. Does he sing and write lame shit on the internet? No. I hope he’s happy being half as successful as I am, I don’t know how I could live like that, y’know?”
“It’s pretty hard to watch him since I have perfect pitch…”
Pick your favorite or make your own!
——–
Yesterday I went on a date and wore a blazer that I had not donned in a while. The date goes well enough. It’s better than lukewarm, anyway. I successfully navigate the minefield that is refusing to mention my relation to the human equivalent to a Flying Ferrari. All is well. Hey look at that, she likes me for me!
I reach for the check and pull my wallet from the breast pocket underused jacket and, of all the possible things, one of my American Idol stage passes from months ago falls onto the table. That was the last time I wore the jacket.
Silence saturates the room. The annoying couple behind me sounds like they’re talking with cotton balls in their mouths.
“I’m… uhhh… I’m a huge fan of Allison,” I say as my face reddens. It was a lose lose situation: either I tell the truth, or I have to lie about being a fanboy.
“OH MY GOD ME TOO!”
Crisis averted. And I’m pretty sure she still doesn’t even know my last name.
Home Stretch…
May 19th
Alas, dear readers, the end is nigh. This week marks the end of American Idol and my self-imposed moratorium on making new negativeneil posts ends.
Soon there will be many things to be negative about. Frankly, I’m a bit troubled as of late at my mood.
I quit my job! My horrible, soul-rending job! At least the people I worked with were really cool, but that job had to end.
I feel… saturated by familial bonding, fraternal pride, and such. It’s hampering my ability to bitch or moan about anything.
The American Idol finale also happens to mark the 3-week countdown to leaving California for New York. I hope that during this time I spend some time as a quivering introspective maniac hell-bent on finding meaning in the life I’m leaving behind. I also hope that such manic soul searching finds it’s way onto this site.
So, I guess what I have to say is hang tight if you do indeed still read this page. I will be back in full force very shortly.
Also, I installed a spam filter after some bots nailed one of the posts with 500 comments in one night. So far it says it has blocked 2,000 spam comments. This seems a bit high so if anyone got their comment blocked unwittingly, I apologize.
Stay tuned…
Dear Republicans, Meet Your New Presidential Candidate
May 5th
This guy is running for Governor of Georgia. Why stop there?
Palin/Horsely ‘12
Yes, the guy openly admitting to fucking animals’ last name is HORSELY. Unfortunately he shares my name. Once again though, he just proves that people who spell their name N-E-A-L are freaks.