Archive for April, 2009
Obama’s Top 20 Failures In His First 100 Days
Apr 30th
Far-right Republicans, once again proving they’re a bunch of petulant children, have compiled a list of Obama’s failures over his first hundred days. Quotes are in red print. Feel free to go to the site, there are many more and only (maybe) 3 have any basis in reality!
Here are the highlights:
- Future generations will want to study Barack Obama’s presidency, not only because he made history by being America’s first black President, but because he also appears to be on track to be America’s worst President. Sure, everybody wants to know the minute details of what Abe Lincoln or Teddy Roosevelt did in the White House, but how many Americans are clamoring for the full story of the U.S. Grant or Jimmy Carter presidencies?
Hey guys, let’s kick this piece of shit off by forgetting the last 8 years! Oh, and Hoover.
- In another historic first, Obama has opened up the possibility that members of the party out-of-power now may be arrested and thrown in jail over political disagreements — in this case, over the legality of waterboarding, making terrorists tired, and making them swleeeeeepy!
I do not want my President, tasked with executing the law of the land, to punish people who break the law (ps: illegal immigrants broke the law. DEPORT THEM!). It sets a bad precedent for being a nation of laws and rules.
- In another great moment for the presidency, Barack Obama publicly referred to his own country as “arrogant” while he was in Strasbourg, France. Jeremiah Wright must be so proud!
“But in Europe, there is an anti-Americanism that is at once casual, but can also be insidious. Instead of recognising the good that America so often does in the world, there have been times where Europeans choose to blame America for much of what is bad.
“On both sides of the Atlantic, these attitudes have become all too common. They are not wise. They do not represent the truth. They threaten to widen the divide across the Atlantic and leave us both more isolated. They fail to acknowledge the fundamental truth that America cannot confront the challenges of this century alone, but that Europe cannot confront them without America.”
THAT AMERICA-HATING, BLIND PIECE OF SHIT. HE HAS NO IDEA HOW THE WORLD WORKS!
- In a move that has typically only been seen in banana republics run by tinpot Castro wannabes, Barack Obama became super-CEO of General Motors by firing the CEO and most of the board, while dictating how they were going to run their company in the future. It would be far more comforting if Obama had, say, as much business experience as an assistant manager at Burger King, since he’s now running one of the world’s largest companies.
Definition: Banana Republic, Noun: a small country (especially in Central America) that is politically unstable and whose economy is dominated by foreign companies and depends on one export (such as bananas).
Obama: next time GM goes bankrupt and asks me, the taxpayer, to buy them out please do not fire the guys who destroyed my new company. Please do not make any changes at all so they can file for bankruptcy again in a few years and my money will be wasted.
Also, when you refuse to fire many of the CEOs of our nation’s banks, I (the radical right) will chide you for not firing them.
PS: I have no idea what a banana republic is, but it sounds really cool, has negative connotations and makes me think about my black President eating bananas like a monkey!
- Once again, Obama made history — not by breaking his campaign promise that no one making under 250k a year would have to pay new taxes, but by proposing the largest tax increase in the history of the world with his cap and trade plan. The cost per family of Obama’s tax increase? $3,900 per household.
Actually, it’s $215.05 per household. Look at me, I’m blinded by ideology!
Also, my own party (a bunch of RINOs) disagrees with me completely!
- In a move that is shockingly typical of Obama’s modus operandi, it was announced that he was closing the prison for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay despite the fact he has yet to figure out what to do with the prisoners. This is sort of like opening all the cages at the zoo and not worrying about what happens next — except worse. Lions don’t strap bombs to themselves and blow up buildings, but terrorists do, and it now looks like some of the terrorists from Gitmo may actually be released into the United States population.
Please note, I just compared detainees to animals even though my government has yet to determine their guilt in a court of law. Also, I’m short-sighted to the point at which I don’t understand that when the president declares that he intends to do something, it doesn’t immediately happen.
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And those are just the highlights, folks! Go to the site, it’s amazing!
More amazing is how easily all of that (and more!) is debunked with a simple google search for things like “Obama prosecute torture” or “cap and trade $3,900 tax”.
Die in a fire, radical conservatives!
I live.
Apr 30th
No, I’m not dead and I didn’t shut it down and change my mind. I guess there were just hiccups at my hosting company. I am taking a break, though. I’m very tired: I’ve been waterboarding Sean Hannity for 3 days now.
“Take it all in, Neil…”
Apr 23rd
Lately I’ve been getting comments from people on here, via email, and real life and they all say the same thing: “Your life has forever changed because of American Idol. Take it all in, Neil! It’s gonna be a wild ride!”
My first reaction is to roll my eyes. I don’t feel any different, it’s just that my only sibling is a nationwide sensation at the moment. Also, why must I “take it all in”? If my life is changed forever, won’t there be taking-in time later on? Can’t I just take it in gradually instead of all at once? Why spoil it, you know?
Lately, though, I’ve begun to wonder. Perhaps my life has changed. Maybe I just don’t realize it which is why I don’t feel any different. So, today I decided to put this whole “your life has changed” premise to the test:
This morning I woke up for work just like normal. Besides a bit of extra drowsiness, I felt no different. Pulling on my clothes and brushing my teeth felt the same, my slightly disproportionate gut didn’t look any smaller, and my new haircut from last weekend still looked dorky. “It’s all in how you carry yourself, Neil,” I told myself. Nodding my head in agreement, I hopped in the car.
And that’s when it began. Cars seemed to part for me. Pedestrians scrambled over themselves to allow me the right of way. They shook their fists in praise of my awesome lineage. Other cars joined them, honking in agreement: Adam is talented, everyone loves him! You are related to Adam, everyone loves you! It’s simple logic, really, and I was suddenly a bit ashamed of having never though this way before. I eased onto the freeway, admiring all the Normal People going about their mundane lives. They will surely never get the opportunity to sit in the 5th row at a taping of the nation’s most popular television program simply because they followed one of the contestants out of the womb three years later! I could scarcely remember what it was like to live that way. So…. ordinary.
Cop car. Shit. I guess nothing’s changed. OR HAS IT?! I repeated my mantra for the day, that fame and glory are a state of mind. I stopped and the police officer followed suit. He approached my passenger side.
“License and registration, please.”
“Of course, officer,” I said while I shot him a cool and collected smile. He has no idea, of course, that I’ve been taking it all in for the whole morning and I am, naturally, a changed man. I continue to smile. The officer shoots me a quizzical stare while double checking the name on my I.D.
“Are you…?”
I didn’t want him to have to embarass himself. We both knew how that sentence was going to end: “…related to Adam Lambert?” Why not save him the trouble?
“Yes. Yes I am. Is there a problem, officer?” I beamed at him. So this is what it’s like, being indirectly famous. Life is good! Soon this cop would be stumbling over himself in apology. He had no idea who the fuck I was. I decided this time I would be merciful.
After a lengthy and frankly uncomfortable Field Sobriety Test, I realized my mistake. Do not finish police officer’s sentences for them. I can guarantee you that the end of their sentence, 99 times out of 100, is “…drunk?” and not “…Adam Lambert’s brother?”
Lesson learned: you are not cool. If complete strangers on the internet assume that your life is radically changing but you aren’t seeing the effects, that’s because your life is not radically changing. It’s not because you somehow managed to be unobservant over the course of the last few months, it’s because you are still lame. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I’m glad it happened sooner rather than later.
Some clarifications are in order…
Apr 20th
This week I managed to quell the urge to post here for a variety of reasons.
Mostly, I was hoping the Idol fervor would die down a bit and I wouldn’t feel all self-conscious about what I wrote. I’ve been reading the sites that are linking here and it seems like more than a few of you figured I’d get freaked out eventually. It took 5 days, so if you had a pool going it’s time to collect.
It has subsided a bit, but I’m still a bit weirded out. I guess it’s what I deserve for half-jokingly wishing for riding some coattails. I think it’s bottomed out as much as it’s going to. I considered disabling comments, but I actually appreciate some of them. The generic “came for Adam, stayed for Neil!” comments I’m just going to delete from now on since it’s repetitive. But if you’ve got something to say about the subject matter, by all means!
I’ve received a few comments and emails from people who were offended by this or that and hoped that “Adam doesn’t share these opinions.” So let me be perfectly clear: this is a public blog. I don’t care if you read it and hate it. I care a bit more if you read it and like it because who doesn’t like a pat on the back once in a while?
But this is not a blog about Adam Lambert. It is not a blog about being Adam Lambert’s brother (except sometimes). It’s a blog where I complain about things I find funny or stupid. Sometimes I wax philosophic or political, or whatever comes to mind in my day-to-day life. If you want to be negative too, have at it. Like this guy. That’s my favorite comment so far even though 80% of it is false conjecture, at least it’s funny and bitchy.
That said, let’s address some themes I’ve seen in comments/emails:
Dear Neil, you’re an asshole because you insulted fat people.
I don’t care that you’re fat. I also didn’t insult “fat people”. If you check the post, I referred to them as “morbidly obese”. This term is used for people who’s size is actually a threat to their lives if left unchecked. If you are morbidly obese, please make some changes in your life. Furthermore, I didn’t say that fat people shouldn’t have sex, I said I couldn’t imagine having sex if I were fat. This is likely due to having never been fat and having no concept of how I would move with an extra 100 lbs. of blubber surrounding my frame. Let’s be frank here: I’m already probably pretty underwhelming to sleep with. Adding quite literally a whole other person’s weight to my frame and further restricting my movement, stamina, etc. probably wouldn’t help in the least. See that? That was self-deprecating humor. There’s a lot of that around here, so rest assured that I’m not sitting in an ivory tower.
Furthermore, I was trying to be funny so lighten up. I don’t care if you’re a BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN which, by the way, is a moniker I’m willing to bet is only employed by Big Big Women. I’m glad that you have a “healthy sex life”, though I think throwing the word “healthy” in there is pretty misleading. There’s nothing healthy about being 400 lbs. Which is, by the way, the figure I cited in the post.
How some of you got the impression that I was anything but liberal is beyond me, but please do not interpret my general misgivings about a new Democratic administration to mean that I’m totally with you in thinking Barack Obama is a secret Muslim. What the fuck is wrong with you? This viewpoint is so appallingly stupid that I’m left in one of those rare moments where I can’t find the words to express how little worth you possess.
Dear Neil, I would like to follow you on Twitter / be your facebook friend.
I should have said this last week, but I didn’t. It’s nothing personal to any of you, but please understand that I get a bunch of these per day and I’d really like to keep the twitter/facebook stuff private. It’s not an elitism thing, it’s just that we simply have nothing to talk about and you want to follow/friend me because of Adam. That’s fine, I’m sure he appreciates the support, but there’s a reason Idol doesn’t allow him to use social networking sites while on the show (privacy, access), and I presume the same standard should apply to me.
Again, let me be perfectly clear: thank you for visiting this site. It is public for a reason and I invite anyone to come on here and comment on the posts. Thank you for supporting Adam, I really hope he succeeds with your support. Please do not conflate these two statements into thinking you should come on here to support Adam.
Ok! Now that that is out of the way, I’ll get back to writing barely humorous tripe about my life!
Also, from now on, I’ll confine my combative responses to commentary to the comments section itself.
Oh look, the entire internet stopped in to say hello.
Apr 14th
Today I sat around the office pretending to work. Mondays are the worst: you drag your soul kicking and screaming down a windowless hall, towards the same door you see every time you think, “just eight more hours.”
On Saturday you were treating the neighborhood to a raucous, twilit rendition of Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. Yes, that was you drunkenly sauntering down the sidewalks imagining every passing car as bad guys hell-bent on your destruction. Only the power of OLD SCHOOL HIP-HOP can quell them!
Sunday was mostly spent wondering aloud how any of your friends could have let you do such a thing. But then, you remember, they were singing too.
And Monday… that’s when you stuff your soul back into the cage in your chest and soldier through the hall to The Room, desperately fighting off your imagination which is currently filling the hallway with blood like you’re living through The Shining. Okay, that’s a little much, but it isn’t fun. In the middle of my fifth Just-Eight-More-Hours mantra, I noticed my email began to show some peculiar activity: someone left a comment on my website.
This is rare, and rarer still, the comment came from a stranger instead of one of the 20 people that must read this site out of mixed pity and feigned interest. Just then, another comment! And another!
“What the hell? Something… is… happening,” I say to the guy next to me. He just kind of looks past me with the expression I presume two years at this job permanently affixes to your face. My employer unfortunately does not see fit to grant us lowly temps internet access during the day, so my Mantra became a feverish compulsive mutter. “Where the hell are all these people coming from!?”
It didn’t take long to put two and two together, dear (suddenly more numerous) readers, you’re here because you’re fans of Adam. Once I got home I was able to log in.
10,000 visitors in 2 days! Well, whoever linked here from TV Without Pity and the official Idol forums… thank you? I noticed some of you pleading over there for restraint so that you all didn’t scare me off, and to many of you thank you for the kind words.
Obviously, feel free to enjoy what little content I’ve created. If you don’t mind, please keep the “OMG ADAM!!!1″ praise to the “My brother is on Idol” post so I can at least feel like people read the rest of the site because, you know, it’s good or something.
I’ve been getting emails and such so I thought I’d clear things up:
- I can’t relay any messages to Adam.
- I can’t give you his address for fan mail. He receives some already, so I know there are proper channels for this kind of thing.
- That guy on youtube? Adamlambert2009 or whatever? Not him. He’s more subtle than that.
- I haven’t lost my mind at my job. In fact, I’m quitting when Idol is over and moving to New York. There’s a lot more interesting stuff there to write about.
- Any questions?
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Apr 10th
This morning I woke up and everything was gorgeous. After half a week of miserable, rainy weather, I was pleased to see sunlight glinting off of the assorted glass containers strewn across my desk.
It wasn’t just nice weather though, it was incredible weather. Two birds were fucking on my windowsill extolling this particularly glorious Friday. There was a hint of pine in the air.
God himself appeared to me in a sunbeam and said, “Stop masturbating, Neil, and listen to me. I exist, and I want you to walk with me along the beaches of Santa Cruz while I explain the intricacies of the universe to you.”
“Sorry God,” I said. “My boss pays the bills around here, not you, and I unfortunately have to work. Besides, I’m sure the weather will be beautiful over in San Jose.”
30 minutes later I’m half way over the mountains encased in fog. The entire day was a miserable, rainy mess.
Fuck my life.