Politics
Crashing The Party: Part 2
Dec 17th
Now that we’ve completed our signs, it’s time to put them to good use. If done properly, there should be a natural strengthening of trust between you and your targets once you’re able to compare signs and ideas in person. Once you feel that your fake opinions seem to hold real merit in the conservative eye, follow these guidelines to brew a healthy self-doubt in even the most ardent Tea Partier:
1. DO take care in disconnecting your personal demeanor from the hateful bile displayed on your sign. Act polite and courteous towards everyone (because, hey, they’re just like us! We’re 99% white, working class Americans and the other 1% wishes they were.) As soon as the purpose for your protesting enters conversation, however, immediately embark on a frenzied rant. Be sure to hit all the trademarks along the way: paranoid delusion, xenophobia, and flagrant misunderstanding of policy are a great start. Upon winding down, be sure to reapply an affable smile and take a breath. After all, you just completed a Two Minutes’ Hate in thirty seconds and it should definitely be four times as tiring (and terrifying) to anyone but your ideological peers. If done correctly, your schizophrenic tirade should have them wondering how such an obviously unstable citizen could appear so… familiar.
2. DO be on the lookout for the inevitable outsider. That bleeding-heart sonofabitch that will eventually accost you with a camcorder and hammer you with questions. He or she could be any of the 9 people at the protest under the age of 35! These guys tend to blend in and fool you with signs that satisfy your worldview. Perhaps an Acrostic or two, maybe even a “Stupid Concept”. However, within a few minutes of talking to them, you might find that they ask clarifying questions that require you to re-examine your (misguided) ideals. If your suspicions are aroused, raise an eyebrow! Be sure to ask, “who are you with?” All interlopers at Tea Parties are naturally part of a vast liberal conspiracy to paint you as the crazy one. Can’t we just shill for the insurance companies and compare liberal policies to Hitler’s in peace? Besides, if you do meet an obvious liberal at one of these rallies then they aren’t making any effort to subvert the rally and thus should be removed by any means necessary. The easiest method is to simply point at the outsider and say a word that your fellow protestors hate or fear. The most effective seems to be either “CNN” or “ACORN. WE’VE GOT ACORN OVER HERE.” This should strengthen your alter ego’s right-wing cred and further captivate the masses.
3. DON’T, under any circumstances, Google definitions for any of the terms with which conservatives casually brand Obama. As far as you are concerned, anything ending in an –ism (except capitalism!) is evil, and all evils are created equal. If curiosity truly gets the best of you, go to town on “socialism”. Look up every definition you want so that you might seem educated in the eyes of your peers when you rant at each other about Obama’s passion for volunteerism and community service. Avoid researching fascism, though, because it’s hard not to feel like an idiot while calling someone a socialist fascist once you actually know that the two terms are mutually exclusive. If you make the mistake of learning even a single thing about these completely opposite ideologies, an onlooker might spot the telltale stifled cringe on your face and start yelling about ACORN. Be careful!
4. DO casually mention the Tea Party corporate sponsors and/or corporate healthcare insurance benefactors whose agenda you are supporting. Be especially mindful of this if you are also carrying a Don’t Tread On Me flag. Tea Partiers are a strange bunch and while corporations have been treading on individual’s rights for decades, it’s important to remember that they provide valuable services such as price gouging and monopoly that Tea Partiers simply adore. It’s probably best for you to ignore the Left’s support of labor and simply concentrate on how tragic the weakening of corporate America would be. The collapse of Cigna or Blue Shield might force you to actually support the free market that you pretend to care about.
5. DON’T wonder aloud why no one complained about spending 5 years ago. Remember: during the previous administration’s consecutive years of record-breaking spending, we were fighting brown people on the other side of the world. Now we’re fighting a brown person on the other side of the aisle. It’s a completely different thing! If this rule’s tough for you, make sure to avoid any of the healthcare protestors with signs that are against spending taxes on abortion. Naturally, taxes to kill innocent children are only acceptable if they aren’t American citizens. It’s simple: any mention of Bush paints a giant scarlet L on your chest. It doesn’t matter if you’re pretending to honor the man, no one can ignore the smell of bullshit that strong.
6. Finally, DO make sure to ask as many people questions about their favorite President. 95% will tell you Reagan because even they can’t stomach Bush’s abysmal failure. Upon hearing this, scoff. Let them know that as a true conservative, you cannot support any Republican President who appointed a czar in his administration. Remind them that the last true conservative President was Hoover, immediately pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and walk away with your head held high. Bonus points if your target says, “Hoover?”
By wielding your ironic sign and following these strict guidelines, anyone can be a productive member of the Tea Party Contradiction Corps. Unfortunately these were lessons learned in hindsight. During my actual foray into the Tea Party I managed to violate almost all of these rules and permanently blow my cover. Stay tuned for the conclusion of Crashing the Party!
Crashing the Party: A Guide to Pretending to be Right
Dec 17th
With the healthcare debate devolving into more and more of a parade of disappointment and stupidity, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the anti-healthcare Tea Party rally I attended in September in Washington. I even wrote an article about it for The Faster Times. That article was a very truncated version of my original piece, which I finally show here to celebrate the relaunch. Enjoy this how-to guide a made for Guerilla Tea Partying!
Step One: Sign Making
Your signs are the key component in subverting a right-wing protest. They have to disarm your fellow protestors and force them to conclude that anyone carrying your sign is obviously misguided, paranoid, or angry enough (preferably all three) to be a true believer. Remember: tea partiers are impervious to contradiction and irony, so feel free to lay it on pretty thick. The golden rule is that as long as you explain your signs with conviction, no amount of crazy is too much. You can carry a sign that says that Obama is, without a doubt, an intergalactic Manchurian Candidate and as long as you carefully explain his abnormally large ears and wide-set eyes, they will listen! Here are a few sign options at your disposal, in order of decreasing subtlety:
1. The Acrostic
This sign is a staple of the Tea Party movement. While it is true that acrostic signs are a presence across the entire ideological spectrum, they possess a special level of idiocy at Tea Party rallies. Remember acrostic poems from grade school? At a tea party, it’s simple: arrange the letters of a person or concept you dislike vertically, and create a telling acronym from it. If it makes sense to a third grader, it’s more than enough to get through to 90% of these folks.
The Acrostic
This is the acrostic sign that I created for the protest. The beauty of this sign is that none of these terms belong together, yet Obama has been accused of each of these separately by prominent conservatives. He’s a godless communist, arugula-eating elitist who wants to implement Sharia law in the United States. Your first reaction might be that this one is a bit too obvious, but rest assured: people loved this sign. The affirmative nods it elicits from passersby makes it easy to spot your most gullible targets for conversation because they obviously have no idea what any of these terms mean.
2. The Stupid “Concept”
Anything except Jesus and Freedom can be put into quotations and Tea Partiers will conclude that you hate the same things they do.
The Stupid "Concept"
This sign is a rare victory because it is true to anyone who reads it. Glenn Beck told viewers on his show that when liberals plead for social justice, they really mean socialism. But people who actually fight for social justice know that it is precisely for the benefit of the losers in society. It’s why our system of government explicitly protects against the tyranny of the majority and also why conservatives think that the ACLU is un-American. The perfectly subversive protest sign is one that people on both sides of the debate can use to call the other side stupid.
3. The Too-Insane-To-Be-Fake
Or is it? This is a high-risk sign. If you don’t have a properly prepared explanation to accompany it, this sign will blow your cover and identify you as a member of the Contradictory Corps. With great risk comes greater reward, though, and it’s hard not to smile when you use the right’s most treasured ideals against them.
The Blatant Sarcasm
To the skeptical Tea Partier, my explanation was simple: “Jesus didn’t heal the sick for free. He healed them and converted them to Christianity. OBAMA is trying to convert us to Communism and that’s NOT WHAT JESUS WANTS!” All but one of the protestors walked away convinced that I was sincere, but all of them concluded that I was at least anti-Obama. It is telling, however, that none of them doubted that Jesus insisted on some quid pro quo for his miracles and that makes the sign worth it.
That rounds out the 3 signs I used during the Tea Party. There were more, of course, but those were my mainstays. Next, we’ll discuss the do’s and don’ts of infiltrating a Tea Party. Stay Tuned!
Dear Republicans, Meet Your New Presidential Candidate
May 5th
This guy is running for Governor of Georgia. Why stop there?
Palin/Horsely ‘12
Yes, the guy openly admitting to fucking animals’ last name is HORSELY. Unfortunately he shares my name. Once again though, he just proves that people who spell their name N-E-A-L are freaks.
Obama’s Top 20 Failures In His First 100 Days
Apr 30th
Far-right Republicans, once again proving they’re a bunch of petulant children, have compiled a list of Obama’s failures over his first hundred days. Quotes are in red print. Feel free to go to the site, there are many more and only (maybe) 3 have any basis in reality!
Here are the highlights:
- Future generations will want to study Barack Obama’s presidency, not only because he made history by being America’s first black President, but because he also appears to be on track to be America’s worst President. Sure, everybody wants to know the minute details of what Abe Lincoln or Teddy Roosevelt did in the White House, but how many Americans are clamoring for the full story of the U.S. Grant or Jimmy Carter presidencies?
Hey guys, let’s kick this piece of shit off by forgetting the last 8 years! Oh, and Hoover.
- In another historic first, Obama has opened up the possibility that members of the party out-of-power now may be arrested and thrown in jail over political disagreements — in this case, over the legality of waterboarding, making terrorists tired, and making them swleeeeeepy!
I do not want my President, tasked with executing the law of the land, to punish people who break the law (ps: illegal immigrants broke the law. DEPORT THEM!). It sets a bad precedent for being a nation of laws and rules.
- In another great moment for the presidency, Barack Obama publicly referred to his own country as “arrogant” while he was in Strasbourg, France. Jeremiah Wright must be so proud!
“But in Europe, there is an anti-Americanism that is at once casual, but can also be insidious. Instead of recognising the good that America so often does in the world, there have been times where Europeans choose to blame America for much of what is bad.
“On both sides of the Atlantic, these attitudes have become all too common. They are not wise. They do not represent the truth. They threaten to widen the divide across the Atlantic and leave us both more isolated. They fail to acknowledge the fundamental truth that America cannot confront the challenges of this century alone, but that Europe cannot confront them without America.”
THAT AMERICA-HATING, BLIND PIECE OF SHIT. HE HAS NO IDEA HOW THE WORLD WORKS!
- In a move that has typically only been seen in banana republics run by tinpot Castro wannabes, Barack Obama became super-CEO of General Motors by firing the CEO and most of the board, while dictating how they were going to run their company in the future. It would be far more comforting if Obama had, say, as much business experience as an assistant manager at Burger King, since he’s now running one of the world’s largest companies.
Definition: Banana Republic, Noun: a small country (especially in Central America) that is politically unstable and whose economy is dominated by foreign companies and depends on one export (such as bananas).
Obama: next time GM goes bankrupt and asks me, the taxpayer, to buy them out please do not fire the guys who destroyed my new company. Please do not make any changes at all so they can file for bankruptcy again in a few years and my money will be wasted.
Also, when you refuse to fire many of the CEOs of our nation’s banks, I (the radical right) will chide you for not firing them.
PS: I have no idea what a banana republic is, but it sounds really cool, has negative connotations and makes me think about my black President eating bananas like a monkey!
- Once again, Obama made history — not by breaking his campaign promise that no one making under 250k a year would have to pay new taxes, but by proposing the largest tax increase in the history of the world with his cap and trade plan. The cost per family of Obama’s tax increase? $3,900 per household.
Actually, it’s $215.05 per household. Look at me, I’m blinded by ideology!
Also, my own party (a bunch of RINOs) disagrees with me completely!
- In a move that is shockingly typical of Obama’s modus operandi, it was announced that he was closing the prison for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay despite the fact he has yet to figure out what to do with the prisoners. This is sort of like opening all the cages at the zoo and not worrying about what happens next — except worse. Lions don’t strap bombs to themselves and blow up buildings, but terrorists do, and it now looks like some of the terrorists from Gitmo may actually be released into the United States population.
Please note, I just compared detainees to animals even though my government has yet to determine their guilt in a court of law. Also, I’m short-sighted to the point at which I don’t understand that when the president declares that he intends to do something, it doesn’t immediately happen.
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And those are just the highlights, folks! Go to the site, it’s amazing!
More amazing is how easily all of that (and more!) is debunked with a simple google search for things like “Obama prosecute torture” or “cap and trade $3,900 tax”.
Die in a fire, radical conservatives!
The 4th Estate Has Failed
Mar 9th
Well, that’s swell. America, proving once again that we are a nation of six-year-olds, has managed to simultaneously accept and reject the exact same policy depending upon whether it has a scary name attached to it or not.
On the plus side, 3% of our electorate are willing to admit that they don’t know what the term “nationalize” means.
We are fucked.
The Decoy Effect
Jan 19th
Perhaps you’ve heard of The Decoy Effect, or perhaps not.
Basically, when presented with 2 options, people tend to reverse their decision when a third option is placed into the mix to act as a foil against the other two.
It’s fascinating to me that people so readily proclaim that the election of Barack Obama shows that race relations have made huge strides in this country. There’s no doubt that the reality of a black president is one that is much more palatable to people now than, say, 20 years ago. That’s a given.
How did we get here, though? I refuse to believe that all those morons that watch Fox’s ‘24′ have somehow been swayed to the notion of electing Obama simply because Keifer Sutherland places his trust in a black president too.
I think it’s time we face reality: Barack Obama would not have been elected if not for two things. First, he is succeeding a white cowboy president widely regarded as one of the worst in history. Second, America has stopped seeing the Black Man as the scary Other since they have been faced with a much scarier Other, the Arab Muslim.
It’s simple: the decoy effect. Normally I don’t think there’d be any hand-wringing over who to elect between two equal candidates, one black and one white. But if my choice is a black guy who is the polar opposite in every way to the white idiot man-child that just ruined my country for the last 8 years of my life, I’m much more inclined to vote for him. Besides, even if black people do make me a bit uncomfortable, it’s nothing like the utter trepidation I feel when I board a plane and sit next to a Muslim family wondering aloud which seat on the plane will be the safest in the event of a crash.
Let’s face it. Race relations have not come very far in our national character. They’ve just been decoyed. We’ve shifted our fear and scapegoating from blacks (who still get a fair share, huzzah!) to a much scarier and foreign Other: the Muslim.
I find it so ironic that ‘race relations’ boils down to a concept so black and white. Because we elected a black man, racism has softened in America. Please. Call me once the other half of my country stops shitting pineapples when a congressman gets sworn in on Jefferson’s Quran.