Work
Oh look, the entire internet stopped in to say hello.
Apr 14th
Today I sat around the office pretending to work. Mondays are the worst: you drag your soul kicking and screaming down a windowless hall, towards the same door you see every time you think, “just eight more hours.”
On Saturday you were treating the neighborhood to a raucous, twilit rendition of Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. Yes, that was you drunkenly sauntering down the sidewalks imagining every passing car as bad guys hell-bent on your destruction. Only the power of OLD SCHOOL HIP-HOP can quell them!
Sunday was mostly spent wondering aloud how any of your friends could have let you do such a thing. But then, you remember, they were singing too.
And Monday… that’s when you stuff your soul back into the cage in your chest and soldier through the hall to The Room, desperately fighting off your imagination which is currently filling the hallway with blood like you’re living through The Shining. Okay, that’s a little much, but it isn’t fun. In the middle of my fifth Just-Eight-More-Hours mantra, I noticed my email began to show some peculiar activity: someone left a comment on my website.
This is rare, and rarer still, the comment came from a stranger instead of one of the 20 people that must read this site out of mixed pity and feigned interest. Just then, another comment! And another!
“What the hell? Something… is… happening,” I say to the guy next to me. He just kind of looks past me with the expression I presume two years at this job permanently affixes to your face. My employer unfortunately does not see fit to grant us lowly temps internet access during the day, so my Mantra became a feverish compulsive mutter. “Where the hell are all these people coming from!?”
It didn’t take long to put two and two together, dear (suddenly more numerous) readers, you’re here because you’re fans of Adam. Once I got home I was able to log in.
10,000 visitors in 2 days! Well, whoever linked here from TV Without Pity and the official Idol forums… thank you? I noticed some of you pleading over there for restraint so that you all didn’t scare me off, and to many of you thank you for the kind words.
Obviously, feel free to enjoy what little content I’ve created. If you don’t mind, please keep the “OMG ADAM!!!1″ praise to the “My brother is on Idol” post so I can at least feel like people read the rest of the site because, you know, it’s good or something.
I’ve been getting emails and such so I thought I’d clear things up:
- I can’t relay any messages to Adam.
- I can’t give you his address for fan mail. He receives some already, so I know there are proper channels for this kind of thing.
- That guy on youtube? Adamlambert2009 or whatever? Not him. He’s more subtle than that.
- I haven’t lost my mind at my job. In fact, I’m quitting when Idol is over and moving to New York. There’s a lot more interesting stuff there to write about.
- Any questions?
Oh, hey.
Jan 17th
So the inevitable life cycle of The Blog caught up with me: you spend the first few days fascinated with yourself, writing all the time. “The world now knows what I think about it all,” you say to yourself, keeping them updated on your most recent bowel movements and the like. Then after a week you decide to look up how many people have viewed your page since its inception and realize no one gives a shit what you have to say. That’s when the indifference sets in and, typically, you suddenly find yourself without anything worth writing about.
It happened to me, sad to say. For the last week I have either been rotting at work, driving home, or lying awake desperately trying to cling to the denial that I have to do it all again tomorrow.
Yesterday I listened to two of my comically obese coworkers debate the merits of using a broadsword instead of a longsword when they LARP. Part of me died inside while another part was born, laughing and cooing while they played peek-a-boo with me, briefly flashing their desperate and pathetic lives before hiding them behind the cellphones they were testing.
I realized at that moment that this job is a perfect source of content for this website. What other part of my life forces me to reflect on all that is wrong in the world for 8 hours a day!?
So this is me saying, I’m not going away. Things you can expect in the near future, dear readers:
- Video evidence of my failed career as a child actor
- The tale of my first horrible day as a full-time cog in the machine
- Snide laughter at all the people who voted for Obama not realizing he’s a politician just like the rest of them.
- Thoughts and stuff
Fat Fashion: 2009
Jan 12th
I work in an office that’s basically one giant room. No cubicles, no personal space. This means I get to people watch pretty much all day. I also work in Silicon Valley which means the ratio of Fat Nerds to Normal People is higher than average.
Today I came back to work after a 2-week holiday break and noticed that the three morbidly obese people I work with are all walking with canes. Is this some sort of fashion statement I’m not aware of, using old world accessories to excuse our excesses? You know, like all those dickhead former frat guys that wear fedoras now? Are peeping toms going to sport monocles next?
What’s weird is that none of these huge people are friends in the office. They are never seen together. I could understand this cane coincidence if I saw them leave work together everyday in some sort of fat person clown car, but I don’t.
They all had separate accidents involving their stump-like appendages. This got me thinking about obese people in general, and what it must be like to live that way. Inevitably, as so many of my thoughts do, I eventually forced myself to consider what it would be like to have sex if I were fat. It goes on. All the time, and we never really think about it. It’s like ants. They’re doing stuff all the time, and we never stop to think about it! Don’t lie and say you’ve never imagined if you could still do the deed at 4 large.
Here’s my strategy: Grab my hip fat with two hands and throw it in front of me like I were throwing a lifeline to a man overboard. Let physics do that rest as my pelvis follows. I’d probably utilize this method for a lot of things: starting lawn mowers, bowling, etc.
I’d probably be a pretty resourceful slob.
[some stupid motherfucker is spamming this post, so i'm reposting it to see if he's going to go away. -ed]
My Job Sucks, Part ∞
Jan 8th
My job sucks. I know this because I have been back at work for 3 days since the holidays and I have done nothing of consequence except, perhaps, allowing the gaping hole in my soul to a widen. There, was that negative enough for you?
I wish I worked near livestock. Not because I have a desire to work with animals, I mean I wish my office was within eyeshot of animals. That way, when I saw them straining against their enclosures or bleating panicked cries, I’d know there was work to be done in the office. That’s how rare actual work is at my job: they’d be able to sense it coming like a fucking earthquake.